A space to vent.

Sometimes I feel I just need to get whats in my head into words, so here goes.

Lately I've been very up and down. I have my highs where I feel on top of the world, I have all this energy where I feel like I can do anything. I love that feeling. But I also have my lows. I crash for no reason, or I get really upset about things that should only be mildly annoying, if not an annoyance at all. I have my highs but rapidly hit a low. In my lows I feel zero positivity, see no hope. I just feel hopeless and miserable and on edge, any little thing could set me off, I feel on the verge of tears for hours. I get into a low pretty much everyday. It's getting unbearable. I just feel so miserable for no good reason. In these lows all I can do is pick out the negative, I have no confidence, my self-esteem crashes. I feel dumb and ugly and worthless. It's not that I want to die, it's that sometimes I feel it would be easier to not exist. I feel like such a burden on Robbie because he's the one who has to listen to all of it, he's the one I rant to. He's the one who has to endure my grumpy moods and I don't think he should have to, but he assures me that that's what he's here for, to help, to be an outlet, to try and improve my moods. At times, his efforts are the only thing that keeps me sane. I feel so needy and it drives me insane. I don't know how I go from feeling so on top of the world to feeling so damn low and so hopeless. I have no valid reason to be so down all the time. It bothers me, it impacts my life, I sucked at my job because I felt so unhappy and lacked confidence and didn't want to talk to anyone and my job is in sales, I need to be confident, I need to talk to people. I had to take 2 days off course because I just felt like if I went, I'd break down. I hate being so fragile, I hate relying on people for my happiness but that's just how it is at the moment and I can't stand it. I just want a stable mind back, I don't want to live in fear of when I'll crash next. It's so stupid how it happens. Today's example: I had my hair done all nicely at course, all curled and everyone told me how pretty my hair looked. I felt confident and beautiful, even though I had zero make-up on, which for me is amazing because I hide behind my make up so much. So I was feeling pretty good about myself. I couldn't wait to show Robbie how good my hair looked but he couldn't see me today and then I crashed, I felt like it was such a waste having my hair pretty if the one who matters doesn't get to see it and I've been moping ever since. Usually I'd just be like 'Sucks I can't show it off to him but I'll get to see him tomorrow and he can just see me then, even though my hair will be normal and boring'. I just hate constantly being in a fragile state of mind.

I can go from insanely happy to the lowest of the low in a matter of seconds but it takes so long to climb back up to a normal level.

A matter of survival

I can’t live without food

I can’t breathe without air

I can’t survive without water

Those 3 things keep me here.

I could still live and breathe and survive

If you were to be removed from my life

And although life would go on

I just wouldn’t be the same girl

Baby, don’t go anywhere

You give meaning to my world

Falling.

I know that it’s all wrong,

But it feels just so right.

I should not be here

Wrapped in your arms tonight.

“Just friends”

But feelings you confess

Tread lightly

Don’t make a mess.

I should know better

But I’m falling for you

And I sense

You’re falling for me too.

Twinkie and Cadillac

If you know me personally, you'll know about my kittens, but you might not know the whole story. This is the story of how the worst day of the year became the best.

 I'm a right grinch, I'm not fond of Christmas and get sick every Christmas so I like to joke that I'm allergic to Christmas. Christmas of 2013 I woke up with the fucking mother of all cold sores and instantly regretted ever waking up. I made myself carry on though because mum and Jacob came up for Christmas and I barely get to see them. Just before lunchtime mum asked me if I wanted to go to the old house to pick flowers (quick note, out old house got written off by an earthquake and is in an area that's basically abandoned) and I almost said no but then I decided it'd be good to get out of the house for a bit. We were driving super slow over a really bad bit of road when I saw 2 kittens playing and ordered mum to stop the car so I could play with the kittens. It took some convincing but she finally stopped. As I was chasing the 2 tabby kittens, I realised exactly where we were. I turned to mum and said "Hang on, where could they have come from? Literally no one lives in this area anymore. Not an occupied house in a kilometre radius" mum looked puzzled. "I think someone has dumped them here" I said and then begged mum to let me catch them so we could make sure they were alright. Mum said yes and helped me round the 2 of them up. We got them home and into a carry cage. One had a completely tabby face and the other has a white triangle over her face. The completely tabby one had quite a large lump on her stomach. Both kittens female. One of mum's best friends is a vet nurse so we gave her a call and she said that it's not an uncommon story really. Lots of kittens get abandoned at Christmas, people can't afford to accommodate them while they go away, can't afford the financial strain animals have, especially female kittens since they need to get fixed or they'll reproduce. The added problem of the growth (which turned out to be an umbilical hernia) it's pretty obvious someone didn't care to take care of these babies. Quickly I grew quite attached to the wee babies and named them Twinkie (full face tabby) and Cadillac (White triangle face, Cadi for short).

 I live with my grandparents and they didn't like them all that much and mum already had 2 cats, a dog and 2 turtles, plus lives 2.5 hours away so nana started going on about as soon as the SPCA is open we're handing them over. This broke my heart. Mum rang dad since he had to work Christmas and told him about our find, dad had always said 'no more pets' but with out even being asked he said 'bring one home' and mum said 'but they're a pair, you can't split them up' and without any debate dad said bring them both. I was so relieved I didn't have to give them over to strangers, in the few hours we had them, I'd fallen so in love with them. They went home the next day after an emotional farewell. Mum took them to the vet for a check up and was told we had 2 8 week old kittens, definitely sisters and asides the hernia in Twinkie, they were in perfect health. She also said they're very lucky, because of the volume of pets dumped on the SPCA, Twinkie would have been put down because of the hernia, not fixed up and Cadi would have been an only child, they're definitely 2 babies who've survived together and need to stay together. Yesterday, at 4 months of age, they both got fixed and Twinkie's hernia removed (Supposed to have waited to 6 months but the hernia was becoming life threatening) and they're going to be able to grow into such beautiful adults. 2012, I gave and received the best present ever, I gave 2 babies life and a loving home and I received the love of 2 gorgeous kittens. No amount of money can buy a present like that. I didn't need anything more than that.


 To whoever abandoned these babies, shame on you, but I'm so glad you did it. If you hadn't dumped those two perfect wee bundles of joy, I would have had the worst Christmas to date and have no reason to smile. I haven't seen my babies in over a month since they're with my parents, but I think about them everyday and I miss them everyday. I love them as much as you can possibly love something. They've got the best life they could ever wish for now.

 
Less than an hour after we found them.

Offensive.

It's just who I am, I'm blunt with my opinions and I stand by them. Most of my strong opinions are very offensive, I take strong stances on most things. All I want to do is write persuasive arguments about my opinions but I would get so much hate. Why can't the world accept me and all of my offensiveness?

Where my mind wanders

I often think about how strange everything is really, how pointless everything is. I think about life as a whole and just that alone is insane. Then I think about me and the scale of things. What am I going to do in life? You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you work to save money, you retire, you die. You are born to die. Sometimes I wonder, why me? Why was I given this chance to live? What am I going to do with it? My mind is overwhelmed with questions and thoughts. Then I wonder, will it all be worth it? Is it even worth going through with? In the scale of things, I'm so insignificant. I'm not going to leave a mark on the world. I'm not any different to the other billions who are just as insignificant as me. So why bother? I don't want children, I'm not leaving this world anything. Sometimes I wonder if I should just make the most of it now, live hard and fast and then just die at my own hand, happy. Is it worth the risk of letting life decide when I go and if I'll be content with what I've achieved? I'm just one tiny, insignificant speck in a world that in theory, shouldn't even exist. The statistical probability of it all means the fact I exist should be impossible. It's just so insane. Then my train of thought changes. Yes, I'm insignificant, I'm not going to make a mark on the universe, but I look at what I have. I have a family that loves me, a beautiful cat who is my world, some pretty amazing friends and the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever ask for. Suddenly, I don't care that my existence will amount to nothing of significance, I just know that I exist and while I'm here, I should enjoy everything I have and love it, after all, it is statistically impossible and that makes it all the more amazing.

Show some respect.

I don't care what I've done to upset anyone. I don't care what anyone has done to upset me. I don't care what anyone has done to anyone else. If you're pathetic enough to tell someone to commit suicide, you are a fucking low life. It does not matter what that person has done in their lives towards you or anyone else, encouraging someone to take their own life is not a joke. What happens if that's their tipping point? Sure, most people wont actually go do it, but you never know. It's not a joke. I know far too many people who have tried to do it and far to many people living with the aftermath of suicide. Please don't encourage suicide, it's such a horrible thing and you don't quite understand how horrible it is until you're the one giving it some serious thought. Please, show some respect.