Oranges and rapists. Vitamin C and sperm.

Welcome to my first blog post. I sure hope you folk enjoy this.
Take time to read it please. I'll give you a cookie ;D

Late on a Wednesday night, wide awake as my brilliant mind told me drinking caffeinated energy drinks at 11.30PM was a grand idea, but instead it just left me wide eyed and twitchy.
I trolled Facebook trying to entertain myself and came across a status update about oranges. Immediately I craved an orange, which is odd because I'm not that much of an orange fan.
Remembering we have oranges in the fruit basket on the kitchen bench, I skip out there, skipping quietly past my parents bedroom.
Not bothering to turn on the light, I keep walking, arms flailing like a blind person. My hand slams into the side of the bench top with force and I have to suppress all the loud bad words.
I grab an orange and skip back to my room. I spend ages working out how to get it naked. I claw at the skin, almost giving up when it tears. I silently celebrate. Once I strip it of it's skin, I try to pull a segment out gently, but noooo, it tears and throws sticky manly orange juice at my laptop keyboard and screen. Like a smart person, I rub the juice in but that just makes it worse. I give up and just attack the orange with my teeth rabidly. I quickly discover my lips are chapped by the way the oranges acidity burns like a mofo. I reach for my chapstick and apply it liberally then return to murdering the devil fruit. Quickly I feel the pain again but I'm a real man and keep going and endure the pain until the orange is completely eaten. I use my sleeve to clean my face and laptop before reapplying the chapstick.

2 hours later, it's 2.15AM and I'm boredboredbored. Feeling rebellious, I put on some track pants and a hoodie, slip on a pair of flats and walk right out my front door. I walk to the end of my street, feeling brave. I turn down towards the river and stay on the side of the road which is well lit. Freaked out slightly but the idea of rapists, I walk swiftly, occasionally breaking into a run. Everytime a car approaches I hide and hope they don't stop and kidnap me. I cross the bridge and walk down a well lit side street. I realise the other side of the road is a park full of bushes. I hear a noise, look and see a bush move. I RUN LIKE FUCK AWAY FROM THERE. I decide the safest option is to walk down the alleyway leading to a well lit street instead of walking past the park again, all I need to do is walk down a small street. I brush past a flax bush, making it rustle and think there's a rapist. I RUN LIKE FUCK and make it to the street I was looking for. I walk with confidence, so the rapists will fear me. I murmur "Fuck you, motherfucking rapists don't motherfucking well rape me" in a very manly gangsta voice. It worked, no one jumped out of any bushes. I turn down a dark, scary looking 'hood' street as it's my way home. I chant my anti-rape chant a lot. It worked. I remain unraped. I put my hood up to make sure I look scary and manly. I walk past a tall fence, startling a dog who makes noise and I sprint faster than I've ever sprinted before. I make it home from my scary adventure and fall asleep pretty much instantly, dreaming of all the motherfucking rapists I scared with my manly chants.

I don't think I'll go rapist scaring again anytime soon. That shit's scary.