That paper gives me the right to terrorise the roads.
Last year, in October I believe, I passed my learners test. This gave me a license to drive with a fully licensed adult and learn to drive. This license had a picture. A brilliant picture might I add, one where I look like a severely pissed off hooker. The one who just missed out on a sale from an attractive young guy and now can't afford her daily dose of cocaine.
Sadly, I do not have it anymore.
Learning gave me many experiences. Right back at the beginning, first time I tried to drive up the driveway, I hit the fence. I was going 5km/h and only left a dent. Visually, it was only a little ding. Sadly, my amazing talent of fucking shit up came back to get me and it turns out I knocked the wheels out of alignment, fucked up an axle or something like that and damaged the cars internal computer. GO MICHELLE. $3600 worth of damages. Thank golly gosh for insurance otherwise I'd still be paying it off.
My mother has still not let this go. Even though I've conquered all sorts of stuff like parallel parking, hill starts and even BACKING up the driveway, she still freaks out whenever I drive with her in the car. It's annoying.
She always is on my dick, yelling at me when I mess up slightly. This does not help. While parking in a narrow spot, loud, abusive women are not appreciated. Yelling does not help, it makes it worse. Now I kick her out before parking.
I still stall occasionally. Once at the lights I stalled and missed the green light, and so did the impatient asshole behind me. He honked and used angry hand gestures. I hate assholes like him so next green light I move away slowly, stop and when the light goes orange I go around the corner, window down, middle finger out, feeling very proud. I purposely made that dick miss the second set of lights. Don't fuck with me, douche.
One time I was at the lights and stalled, missing the lights. Second set of lights, stall again, miss again. By this stage there is an 18 wheeler truck right up my ass, tailgating like all hell. Next set of lights, stall again, begin to break down because I think I suck. Truck practically touching my car. Mum tries to calm me while I complain about being a failure. Mum says calmly 'Knock it into neutral and then back to first' I do this, burst out laughing, see the green light and get through with no problem. I'd been trying to take off in third gear, which is impossible in mums car, but not dads as I learnt.
When cocky jaywalkers jump out infront of me, I speed up to scare them. I am reckless. It's fun to see them run from me when they realise I will plow them down.
I've always wanted to drive through a crowd and see who is smart enough to jump out of the way.
I went to my brothers school open night to pick him up. Parked in the school car park. Children everywhere. They never stop coming. I roll off slowly towards them, turning to direct myself out of the carpark. I had my intense face on that says 'I will run you mother fuckers down because I hate children'. They moved. I had some ninja side stepping along the fence to avoid my rage. I think I dinged one child. 100 POINTS ;D
Today was an exciting day. I've waited ages for this day. I get to go for my next license. I have to get up and ready before the time I'd be awake for school. I drive mum and dad over to the other side of town, throw mum out at work and drive all the way back over to the AA for my 9am driving exam.
The assessor comes over, he introduces himself and addresses me as Sarah. Anyone who knows me will know I only respond to Michelle or Sarah Michelle. I didn't want to correct him so I just adapted to responding to it. He introduces an oldish man wearing hardout rapist glasses. This creep is a trainee assessor. He gets to sit in the backseat and learn how to assess people.
We get in the car and I follow his directions. "Left here, Sarah" "Pull in here, Sarah"
By the end of it, I was only responding to Sarah. Michelle who?
I forgot sunglasses and it turned out to be the nicest day in ages. The sun was right in my eyes, blinding me. My eyes began to water and I was like to myself "I am going to go blind, crash and die" I am miss positivity.
20 minutes later we returned to the AA. He goes over with me where I went wrong and what I did well. He had his hand over my result. I was shaking and thinking "I failed. Oh shit. That's such a fail" He moved his hand to show a result of 88%. He pointed to it and said "This is what you want to see. Do you know what that means?" I was like "88 is bigger than 80 and you need 80 to pass so I passed?" He nodded and gave me a high 5. I got out of the car and went in with him while he filled out my temporary license. I left, grasping it in my hands, unlocked my car, tore down the L plates and had a party in my head.
Dad was off wandering. I found his and celebrated right after Facebook'ing and Tweeting my pass result.
Oh the joy of not having those L's.
Dad was like 'Do you like food?' I was like 'Duh' and then he ordered me to go to New World, where I work so he could buy food. I walk in there and get weird looks because it's school time and I should be in school.
We get food and go home.
School -_-
Home ;D
Daddy lets me drive his car for the first time ever. His accelerator is so touchy compared to mums.
Elliott comes over. I talk him into letting me drive his car. His accelerator is touchy too, but not as much as dads.
Although their indicators are wrong to me. Mums are on the left, every other car has them on the right. I wipe windscreens instead of indicate. I finish scarring people and here I am now.
I no longer need adult supervision while driving so road users, WATCH OUT.
No comments:
Post a Comment