Fear me.

Diets.
Diets are great if you're fat or have an intolerance to something.
Diets are not great when I'm on one. I am not in the slightest bit fat, bloated sometimes where I resemble a pregnant chick, but that goes down and it's okay.
If you know me well, you will know the extent of my chronic headaches and agonizing migraines is absolutely tragic. They interfere majorly with my life. This is what the diet is for, cut out basically anything that is a known migraine/headache trigger for 2 weeks then each week introduce one sort of food back into your diet to see if it triggers these pains or not.
Processed foods, preservatives and gluten are the 3 things I have to cut out. What does that leave me with? Rabbit food.
I'm on day 5 now. I fully crashed. My body does not respond well to no candy, my body loves candy. My moods dropped too. People were genuinely beginning to fear me.
I told someone I'd never met before "Shut the fuck up or I'll rearrange your face". I came dangerously close to punching her in the face. I would have had no empathy.
I announced that anyone who respects their life and their faces will not piss me off next week as my uterus is due to shed it's lining next week and everyone knows I'm a bitch on my period, I'm a bitch with chocolate, I'll be a homicidal maniac with out it. Later I warned my boyfriend, at this point he'd experienced one of my rages as we had gone to the mall to get dinner and nothing was there that I could actually eat. I don't know if he could tell, but I was on the verge of tears.
I told him that if he ever wanted his nuts to reproduce ever again, he would not do anything even slightly out of line next week. Christ, even I'm afraid of what sort of monster I'm going to morph into.
Later the hunger got unbearable so he took me to the supermarket where I found some microwave rice, gluten free, preservative free and no processed. I was happier. I realised sorbet is allowed in my diet too. I got some of that.

Back at his I plowed through the rice like an African child would then moved on to the sorbet. I don't think I've ever been happier in my life. Elliott said it was good to see me that happy, as for the previous 3 hours, I'd either been sleeping, complaining, bitching or trying to prevent myself from killing something.

I think you should all be extremely grateful that sorbet exists, otherwise the world might have met a grizzly end by the end of next week.
Sorbet will be the only thing preventing some murderous massacre occuring.

Oh, and if a series of horrific crimes occur next week, it was totally not me.

How a cat can scare you into passing out.

So, the other day I woke up tragically ill. I still had the migraine I had tried to sleep off and my stomach was making weird loopy movements. I opened my curtains as it was 11.30AM and time to take a couple of codeine and get well before I had to go to school for a rather important test, one that actually counts towards me passing the year.

As I opened my curtains I noticed my fathers car wasn't parked on the street as usual, I thought 'Oh, well he just abandoned his sick daughter for a while. All is swell. I will survive!' I went out to the lounge to find myself my school uniform. I came back and noticed a car I'd never seen before parked where dad's car is usually parked. I tried to tell myself this was normal. Maybe they were just visiting on of my neighbours, yeah, my neighbours are popular.

I waltzed out to the kitchen to find me some codeine to combat my pain. I heard a really loud crash in the laundry room. I freaked out as we always have that window open. My immediate thought was 'Oh shit, who ever is parked outside my house has broken in and I'm going to get raped' I began to shake, hyperventilate and then my vision went funny. My head was all light and filled with air, I was trying to walk to confront the potential rapist but I didn't make it far. I passed out after a few steps. I really deal with fear well. Same thing happened at the doctors, except I vomited on the nurse, then passed out.

Anyway, I regained consciousness. I was still shaking rather violently. I slowly dragged myself up and walked cautiously towards the laundry room, my legs barely holding me up. I got there and looked down at the ground. I felt like an idiot and although what had caused the noise was cute, the fear was still making me shake and feel dizzy.

The crash was nothing more than my retarded cat, who had been neglected to be fed, taking feeding into her own hands. She learnt that if she tossed the container of cat biscuits on the ground, off the ledge, the lid would fall off and there would be food everywhere. The sound of this mimics a rapist climbing them falling through a window.

I told my cat I hate her and went and took some codeine, got ready for school and ate a carrot.


Later my cat and I went to couples counseling. We're good now. It's okay.

Death by chances.

Yeah, the first 4 lines just were rolling around in my head for a few days, I typed them up and gradually added to it over a wee while.
It's definitely not my best, but all that aside, it's okay.



It’s a horrible life
But a beautiful day
I’m going to go outside
And throw it all away.

I’ve got nothing to lose
And nothing to gain
I could have done this long ago
I might go end this pain.

I’ve tried this once
I’ll try it twice
It’s a game of chance
Walk away or pay the price?

I play this game, I play alone
I play this little game I know
Luck shall decide my fate
It’ll decide if I stay or if I go.

The chances are one in six
Small revolver, silver bullet
Spin the barrel, finger to trigger
Held to my head, dare I pull it?

I’ve played this before
Fate hasn’t killed me yet
Maybe this time
My life is what I bet.

I’m a gambler
With nothing to lose
If I stay, or if I die
Is not for me to choose.

I feel the pressure on my temple
I close my eyes
I hold my breath
Now for the surprise.

Trigger finger, feeling frisky
I gulp the air
I pull the trigger
My mind is clear.

My horrible life,
Ended on a beautiful day.
Nothing lost,
Nothing gained.

Quickie.

This is quick and stupid. A lovely conversation between Alys and myself.
Do enjoy.

[About the pain caused by a period. We imagine a man in our ovaries getting shitty and attacking them causes this pain, if that makes any sense]
Alys:
yea i agree. wat u do is imagin a sergical knif cutting the man out the the pain stops. It also works on the beguning of headakes. you should try it

Me:
21:12
I'll go fetch my craft knife, may be a towel to clean the blood up with

Alys:
21:12
IMAGENRY... lol
god thats just freaky woman XD

Me:
21:13
Too late, shit.
I should learn to read.
How do I stop the bleeding?

Alys:
21:15
ummm sow it up?

Me:
21:16
It's okay. This duct tape should hold for now.

Alys:
lol arnt you a godess cant you heal yourself?

Me:
21:17
I have sex powers, not healing powers. Son of the Sex Goddess, Jesusxxx doesn't heal wounds, only hymen so he can pop them cherries over and over.

The suicide solution.

Read. It says everything.



Hope lost
Filled with despair
No reason to hold on
No one would care.

She didn’t look back
The blood drains
Deep red streams
Escape her veins.

Her head tilts back
To end the hate
A handful of pills
And a horrid wait.

Her stomach pains
Feeling incredibly ill
Her body slows
And becomes still.

Her pain had ended
Another started
Her solution
Created brokenhearted.

She never thought twice
About who she left behind
The ones who loved her
Have no peace of mind.

People who cared
Now left to mourn
She never considered
Who she’d leave torn.

For she never saw the good
Only the bad
She didn’t realise
How much she had.

A great young life
Now a tragic waste
All thrown away
With such haste.

Everything gets better
That she did not see
They’ll never forget her
But for now she is free.

Navigating the darkness.

Another quick poem, not my best, my last one was better.



Hope fades, she’s all alone
Darkness suffocates light
She puts on a brave face
And charges into the night.

No noise as she flees.
Utter silence creeps
The night closes in
While the city sleeps.

Lost in a big city
Alone in the chilled air
Navigating her way home
Filled with utter despair

Frightened, cold and alone
In a city not her own
Each step, a risk
Each one, closer to home.

A rustle, a crack
A noise in the night
She’s shaking inside
Each movement with fright

Street lights dim
Her walk turns to run
Tired but she endures
She sees the rising sun

Morning comes round
She nears closer to home
A first and a last
She decides never again shall she roam.

Home at last
Fear evaded
Filled with joy
Glad that she made it

She's a lie.

Quick 10 minute poem.
It lacks, but it's alright I believe.



Blue eyed liar.


She thinks she’s something in this world.
All she does is believe.
She walks, head held high.
That girl is naïve.

Nothing stops her.
Each step with pride.
Confidence in her smile.
Although, she lied.

That girl is a living lie.
She tells herself she’s something.
Although, she knows she’s not.
That won’t stop her trying.

She’s a fake.
For the sake of saving face.
With each smile she tells a lie.
The truth, you can’t trace.

One day her walls will crash.
The brick wall of lies.
They’ll fall hard and fall fast.
Those brick walls made of blue eyes.

Yet, someone will love her.
She has to believe.
He’ll stand by her side,
For that young girl is me.