Offensive.

It's just who I am, I'm blunt with my opinions and I stand by them. Most of my strong opinions are very offensive, I take strong stances on most things. All I want to do is write persuasive arguments about my opinions but I would get so much hate. Why can't the world accept me and all of my offensiveness?

Where my mind wanders

I often think about how strange everything is really, how pointless everything is. I think about life as a whole and just that alone is insane. Then I think about me and the scale of things. What am I going to do in life? You are born, you go to school, you get a job, you work to save money, you retire, you die. You are born to die. Sometimes I wonder, why me? Why was I given this chance to live? What am I going to do with it? My mind is overwhelmed with questions and thoughts. Then I wonder, will it all be worth it? Is it even worth going through with? In the scale of things, I'm so insignificant. I'm not going to leave a mark on the world. I'm not any different to the other billions who are just as insignificant as me. So why bother? I don't want children, I'm not leaving this world anything. Sometimes I wonder if I should just make the most of it now, live hard and fast and then just die at my own hand, happy. Is it worth the risk of letting life decide when I go and if I'll be content with what I've achieved? I'm just one tiny, insignificant speck in a world that in theory, shouldn't even exist. The statistical probability of it all means the fact I exist should be impossible. It's just so insane. Then my train of thought changes. Yes, I'm insignificant, I'm not going to make a mark on the universe, but I look at what I have. I have a family that loves me, a beautiful cat who is my world, some pretty amazing friends and the most wonderful boyfriend I could ever ask for. Suddenly, I don't care that my existence will amount to nothing of significance, I just know that I exist and while I'm here, I should enjoy everything I have and love it, after all, it is statistically impossible and that makes it all the more amazing.

Show some respect.

I don't care what I've done to upset anyone. I don't care what anyone has done to upset me. I don't care what anyone has done to anyone else. If you're pathetic enough to tell someone to commit suicide, you are a fucking low life. It does not matter what that person has done in their lives towards you or anyone else, encouraging someone to take their own life is not a joke. What happens if that's their tipping point? Sure, most people wont actually go do it, but you never know. It's not a joke. I know far too many people who have tried to do it and far to many people living with the aftermath of suicide. Please don't encourage suicide, it's such a horrible thing and you don't quite understand how horrible it is until you're the one giving it some serious thought. Please, show some respect.

The tale of a complete asshole.

To understand this story, you will need a visual to refer back to.

Here is the visual I was talking about. This house is located right across the road from my school and where I park my car. This house is also where the worlds shittiest asshole lives. I often have to use this driveway to do 3-point turns when leaving school. This guy has a problem with that. You see, I swear he sits at his window and waits for people to walk, bike or drive past so he can come out and yell. Now, lets refer to the visual. The purple dotted line is his property line, anything to the left of that is his property. Anything to the right (surrounded by the yellow line) is public property and he has no legal rights over it. The blue line is as far up the driveway as I go to do a 3-point turn. This guy doesn't understand public property. He has come out and abused me several times for using the driveway. He yells at anyone who even puts one foot on a patch of grass. He yells at people who walk on the footpath. He even yells at people who bike past on the road. This guy likes to yell. He doesn't quite understand his legal rights, or therefore lack of, over the yellow outlined patch of land. He has been known to fence off the area so no one can use it. It's a fucking footpath outside a school, for fucksake, people are going to walk past to get to and from school. People are going to use the driveway to turn as the road is too narrow. Today he abused me for doing a 3-point turn and later on in the day went mental at us as we crossed the road back to school. My friend got into an argument with him and he took down my license plate number and complained to the school. Apparently he complains a lot. They've gotten to the point where they just don't give a single fuck about what he says, they're sick of him. I can't even park outside school anymore without him giving me the deathiest death stare of all time. Probably doesn't help that once, just to spite him, I drove over the publicly owned lawn but he can't do shit about that legally. I wont stop doing 3-point turns on public property. I wont stop walking on the footpath that is there for public use. I'd love to see how he tries to enforce anything. The most he can do is yell. Until someone gets short tempered with him and actually does something to his private property, he can't do anything. I can deal with being yelled at by him, in fact, sometimes it humours me because I'm a 'fucking shithead who doesn't respect other peoples fucking property and fucking deserve all the shit coming to you, you little c*nt'. What I don't think is funny is that he has no bounds, I'm old enough to take the abuse but given the opportunity, he will yell at kids walking along the footpath and since soccer happens at the public park his property backs onto, there is a lot of children and foot traffic. So yes, that is my tale of the biggest asshole I've encountered in my life. I can't wait until he yells at a kid who has a tank dad and gets his shit dealt to him.

Clearing up some confusion.

I've made reference to people who have influenced my life in previous posts. I've never named names or singled anyone out though. My posts aren't personal attacks, don't view them that way. I've had more than one group of friends in my life, I've had all sorts of people influence my life, so it's not just one particular person or group. So please guys, calm yo tits and don't over analyse things. You make them more complicated than they are. Also, I've never said I've never had a friend or that every friend I've ever had is shit, because it's not true. I've had many friends who've done amazing things for me, but no body is perfect and shit happens. Also a quick sorry to anyone I've hurt or upset. I'm not your problem anymore. I've moved on with my life, identified problems I've caused for myself and made myself a better person who can hold healthy relationships. I'm a different person now and I'm happy this way. Peace out, girl scout.

Thank you.

To everyone who ever made fun of me, who ever made me feel like shit, spread rumours about me, called me names, abused me, was a bad friend, insulted me and ever did anything else negative towards me. Thanks for making me a stronger person. With out all your bullshit to work through, overcome and seek help with, I would never be the strong, happy young woman I am today. And now I've thanked you, you can all go to hell. But a bigger thank you to those who cared enough to ask what was wrong, didn't go behind my back and tell everyone the things I confided in you and helped me realise all the bullshit people said about me wasn't true. I'm more amazing than I'll ever give myself credit for. Finally accepting myself has made me such a happier person. Ditching all the negative people is a big step forward for me. I'm happier and more confident and more motivated to stay alive than ever before. Thank you to the people that have made me realise just how much I am valued and make me believe I'm a beautiful person in and out. You'll never know just how much I needed the positivity.

Certainty crumbles.

Headstrong, determined and set in her ways. Knows what she wants, knows what to do. Has set plans for if plans fall apart. Thinks they’ll be easy to get through. One unforeseen bump, she hits at full speed. Her set ways, ripped and torn. In theory, the outcome was great. But in reality, it caused her to mourn. She thought she wanted one thing. But this bump made her see. Minds can be changed. Somethings aren’t meant to be.

Jibber jabber.

We went to Dunedin recently. We made some damn good memories. Someone called someone else repugnant and we managed to come to the conclusion that it made us thing of re-pugging things, as in making them the dog. "Oh, it's dead, we'll just re-pug that." Luca kept saying "Where dem fiddies?" and the correct response to that is "On my titties, bitch." We were going through my handbag and I pulled out a pocket knife, tampon, hospital band (that thing they put on your wrist when they admit you in)a lighter and a panty liner. Megan said "So we'll stab someone, shove a tampon in the wound, put them in hospital and set them on fire?" to which I replied 'Yes, but we must remember to line their panties" There is more but my brains sleepy. Basically it was a bloody awesome trip. One day you'll all see me standing on a burning couch in my underwear with a bottle of vodka on the news and you'll be proud to know me.

My family thinks I'm anorexic.

I'm not exactly a big girl, but I'm not anorexic either.

I overhear my grandfather talking about me a lot. Apparently I need more meat on my bones because I'm grossly underweight. I have a healthy BMI and my doctor is happy with my current weight as I have had issues with being underweight in the past, but never an eating disorder.

They sat me down once to discuss my 'eating disorder' and how they're concerned about my mental health because clearly I hate my size and am trying to starve the weight off.

It's getting bad these days. They check my school bag in the morning to make sure I'm taking food to school and they check it when I get home to make sure I ate it.

Most people get greeted with 'How was your day?' when they come home, the first question I get asked is 'Have you eaten today?'

The other night I was hungry so I went to the kitchen to find something to eat. Nana was happy to see me in the kitchen. She kept asking me questions about what I wanted and such. I finally decided to cook myself some pasta with a creamy tomato sauce. I got congratulated on making food and a pat on the back accompanied with a 'Good work!' when I ate it.
Yeah, I get congratulated on eating.
They're always trying to feed me and make me eat the same food as them, and anyone who knows me knows I'm a really fussy eater.

We went to dinner the other night for their wedding anniversary and when we got home they told me they were happy to see me eating again. I've never stopped eating, I eat a lot more than they'll ever believe.

I wonder if they'll ever be convinced that I don't have an eating disorder, I'm just healthy sized and eat at school/friends houses/take-away places more than at home.

Short and simple

You make me laugh, you make me smile.
Baby, you should stay a while.

No offence.

I saw a book advertised online which reminded me of this one delightful Christmas.

I was 14 at the time. We were all exchanging gifts. My mildly creepy uncle handed my mum his gift to her. She opened it to reveal a book titled "Before your teenager drives you crazy, read this!" Mum laughed and looked at me. My uncle quickly said "No offence, Michelle, but I've heard some things."

The book didn't work.

"No, she's definitely not black."

So, I worked tonight. A fairly normal, unexciting event.
I had a customer come through, he was talking on the phone.
"Hello, how are you today?" I asked automatically, disregarding the fact he was on the phone.
"Pretty good, yourself?" He replied
"Yeah, good thanks."
The person on the other end must have asked who he was talking to because he said to them "Oh, see how polite I am, interupting our conversation to be nice and converse with the lovely young check out chick"
I can only guess what the other end of the phone was saying, but he said the following:
"Yeah, she seems lovely."
"She is quite a pretty young thing."
"Yes, she's very pretty."
"Got a lovely set of eyes on her."

He held the phone out and told me to say hello, so I followed his instruction and said hello delightfully.

He put the phone back up to his ear.
"See, she's pretty and friendly too!"
"No, she's definitely not black."
"I'm pretty certain she's not black."
"Nah, she looks pretty white to me."

I'd finished scanning his groceries and gave him the final total.
He paid by eftpos. I put the transaction through and he went to go swipe his card but stopped and said down the phone "Hang on, I gotta pay for this. Here, talk to this lovely young lady." He thrust the phone at me and said "Talk to her while I do this."

"Hello" I said.
"Hello, how are you?" The lady on the other end asked.
"I'm delightful, mildly confused but delightful."
"Ahh, yes, he's a bit eccentric isn't he?" She said.
The man interrupted "Tell her you're not black!" He yelled.
"Yeah, so, I'm pretty white. I'm like, really white." I assured her.
"I'll believe you this time" She said.

His card accepted.

"Oh well, wonderful having this odd conversation with you, I shall hand you back now, adios." I said and handed the phone back.
"TOLD YOU SHE'S NOT BLACK." He said really excitedly to her, farewelled me and then upon receiving his receipt, walked merrily off, leaving me confused as to what exactly just happened, and everyone around me with very confused faces.

It was beautiful.

One reason I would want to hit you in the face with celery.

Today at work I had a disabled woman come through my check out.

Her disability wasn't severe. She was in a wheelchair and didn't have much mobility in her hands and arms, just enough to move the stick around that controls her wheelchair. It came time to pay for her groceries and because of her disability she handed me her wallet and asked me if I could get out the blue BNZ card for her and trusted me with her pin number as she couldn't do it herself. The transaction went through and I put the card back in her wallet and handed it back, put her bag of groceries in her little basket and off she went.

A lady had been in line behind her for most of the transaction, hey, that's normal, people line up and stuff. Anyway. Once I started to scan and bag her groceries she leant over the check out and said to me "You know, people like her shouldn't be allowed out by themselves. Not being able to do things like us normal people slows everything down for the rest of us. They need carers with them when they go places."

Boy did I want to smack her in the face with the celery I was holding. As I am not allowed to yell, get mad at or smack customers in the face I said as politely as I could "She seems to be pretty happy with the independence she has now. If she felt she needed help, I'm sure she'd get some but she seems to be doing just fine without it."

She didn't seem impressed with me disagreeing with her, but she didn't say another word. She then proceeded to take her time finding her cards and got her pin wrong once, taking more time than the lady before her. Some people just need to be hit in the face with celery or something worse. What got me most about her statement was the way she said 'like us normal people' implying people with disabilities aren't normal. We're all people and we all deserve respect, unless you go hating on people with disabilities, then my respect for you is lost. I might carry celery with me now just in case.