A space to vent.

Sometimes I feel I just need to get whats in my head into words, so here goes.

Lately I've been very up and down. I have my highs where I feel on top of the world, I have all this energy where I feel like I can do anything. I love that feeling. But I also have my lows. I crash for no reason, or I get really upset about things that should only be mildly annoying, if not an annoyance at all. I have my highs but rapidly hit a low. In my lows I feel zero positivity, see no hope. I just feel hopeless and miserable and on edge, any little thing could set me off, I feel on the verge of tears for hours. I get into a low pretty much everyday. It's getting unbearable. I just feel so miserable for no good reason. In these lows all I can do is pick out the negative, I have no confidence, my self-esteem crashes. I feel dumb and ugly and worthless. It's not that I want to die, it's that sometimes I feel it would be easier to not exist. I feel like such a burden on Robbie because he's the one who has to listen to all of it, he's the one I rant to. He's the one who has to endure my grumpy moods and I don't think he should have to, but he assures me that that's what he's here for, to help, to be an outlet, to try and improve my moods. At times, his efforts are the only thing that keeps me sane. I feel so needy and it drives me insane. I don't know how I go from feeling so on top of the world to feeling so damn low and so hopeless. I have no valid reason to be so down all the time. It bothers me, it impacts my life, I sucked at my job because I felt so unhappy and lacked confidence and didn't want to talk to anyone and my job is in sales, I need to be confident, I need to talk to people. I had to take 2 days off course because I just felt like if I went, I'd break down. I hate being so fragile, I hate relying on people for my happiness but that's just how it is at the moment and I can't stand it. I just want a stable mind back, I don't want to live in fear of when I'll crash next. It's so stupid how it happens. Today's example: I had my hair done all nicely at course, all curled and everyone told me how pretty my hair looked. I felt confident and beautiful, even though I had zero make-up on, which for me is amazing because I hide behind my make up so much. So I was feeling pretty good about myself. I couldn't wait to show Robbie how good my hair looked but he couldn't see me today and then I crashed, I felt like it was such a waste having my hair pretty if the one who matters doesn't get to see it and I've been moping ever since. Usually I'd just be like 'Sucks I can't show it off to him but I'll get to see him tomorrow and he can just see me then, even though my hair will be normal and boring'. I just hate constantly being in a fragile state of mind.

I can go from insanely happy to the lowest of the low in a matter of seconds but it takes so long to climb back up to a normal level.